Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*