Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie