Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party