Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Succinctly put.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’