Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

🤣🤣🤣🤣