Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?