Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.