Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.