Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.