who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Saturday
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
💀😭
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Already got one
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.