Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back