Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Worlds greatest photobomb
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Best table by far
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
water it, i dare you
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now