Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
