Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter