Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Well, this certainly took a turn
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.