Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
She was REALLY feeling it.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
just got my engagement photos
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters