Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.