who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”