Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
![]()
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ