Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
#inspiration #foodforthought
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.