Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Single worst piece of software ever invented

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.