Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Suuuuure
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated