Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I were this cool 😂

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake