Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Jokes on them. I took 10.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no