@BerrryDLite

Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?

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@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@clindsaysway

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

@J_Dazzle76

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

@squirrel74wkgn

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

@SteveSuckington

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

@pixelatedboat

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

@ojedge

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*