Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Lmfao
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered