@BerrryDLite

Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?

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@DaddyJew

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

@weezeebee

If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.

@jellybnbonanza

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

@elizaskinner

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

@mommajessiec

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

@capnwatsisname

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@Social_Mime

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples