Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?
You Might Also Like
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples