Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?
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ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*
*spoon just disappears*