Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

San Francisco has too many rules

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more