Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”