“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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hey, alexa
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?