“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
(more comics:
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.