Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

When you’re Kinky but poor

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats