Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

adam and eve had first world problems

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.