who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?