who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
mom had nothing to worry about
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.