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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.