Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

#NoRestForTheWicked

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”