Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Weirdly Wednesday.

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.