Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

Today’s tshirt

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla