Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.