Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Herpes is trending, good job people

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.