Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
This one’s “Alex”.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.