Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

I only look at Wordle for the articles

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt