Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.