Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Sign of the day..

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names