Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!