WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]