Who knew!
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.