Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
can I use a minion as a tampon
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
who’s gonna tell her?
don’t message me unless you have this energy
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious