Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever