@LoveNLunchmeat

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

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@GensPlace

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”

@CheetoBandito77

*turns on shower*

*gets undressed*

*checks TL real quick*

*floods the entire neighborhood*

@UnFitz

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

@junejuly12

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

@DirtyySouthMess

I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.

@rajandelman

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

@lovemydogduck

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.