Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.