Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.


Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”


*turns on shower*

*gets undressed*

*checks TL real quick*

*floods the entire neighborhood*


Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.


If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.


Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.


I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.


What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls


How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.