Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
What
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
GM✌🏻
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]