Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
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Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Monica just destroyed the internet
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Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.