Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
181.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.