Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha