Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
You Might Also Like
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Is this a threat?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Genius idea!!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The First Farmer
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later