Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

Breaking news:

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

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I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.