Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
🚲+physics = winner
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
welp
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby