Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

can’t talk my ride’s here

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant