Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.