Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
🤣🤣🤣🤣
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Wow 🤣
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared