Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
why would tinder want me to say this
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.