Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.