Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?