Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
You Might Also Like
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button