Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

A sick whale is called an unwhale

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.