Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?