Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

🤣

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Yes

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.