Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.