Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

I just tested negative for patience.

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

October 31