Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Today’s tshirt
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit