Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.