Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
That’s it.I’m out.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Plumber: I think I found the problem
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army