[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
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I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks