Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
You Might Also Like
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*