Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.