Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.