Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

step 6: release the wall snake

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.